Anybody Jokes / Recent Jokes

Does anybody know the Washington Post's code name for their Clinton
insider-news source?
I'm pretty sure it's not "Deep Throat"...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

It was the first day of college, and time for the usual 'authoritative declaration of the not to be broken rules'. The principal, in typical intimidating fashion, addressed the students:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students. The male dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all the female students". The principal, sensing he was on a roll, stood tall and powerful as he covered the punishments for breaking the rules. "Be wary, anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20. It doesn't stop there though, anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"

See how many of these you hear this year!
Here are my FAVORITE top ten Christmas Quotations
My God, Aint Sally, don't use the BUTTER KNIFE to spread that oleo on your own damn bread!
Why is it that **MY** children always has to drink out of the jelly glasses?
I'd just love for all y'all to come to **MY** place next Christmas, but I'm afraid there ain't room for all of us in that little tiny trailer.
Well, I got it at Sears. If it don't fit, I'm sure they'll be glad to swap it for you for a larger size. I just di'n't realize you waz wearing a ***24W*** already.
What the hell am I supposed to do with T*H*I*S? Didn't anybody git me any white socks?
I don't EVER put olives on MY deviled eggs. I just don't know why anybody would! Skeeter's allergic to olives, ain't you, Skeeter? Why, yes, you are so! You are, too, allergic to olives!
Who let that damn dog get into my box of chocolate-covered cherries? I was gonna drop them by WyeVonne's. Miz Marshall down at more...

Thoughts and stories from on the job
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh more...

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self- adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

* more...

Banta was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.
In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
Full of fear, Banta cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally Banta yelled, "Is anybody up there? "
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who said that?"
"It's the God."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."
"Help me!"
"Just let go."
Looking around, Banta became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch more...