Argument Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband and wife were having an argument in bed. Finally, he jumped up, grabbed a blanket and went to sleep on the couch.
The next day, the wife felt bad about what happened and decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.
She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and showed her one of the finest ones he had.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was very expensive and told him so.
"Well, it does come with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old favorites is, 'Never Up, Never In'."
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale. A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things. A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Keywords and their meanings:
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" more...

Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a. 22 rifle."

He was right!

The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So more...

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument. A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.