Ashes Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here." Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes. .."

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought hisashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onthe counter.Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember thatBlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."

There were two gay men, and one of them died from AIDS. His last wish was to be creamated and have his ashes spread in the park where he and his lover met. So after he was creamated, his lover took the urn of ashes to the park, but he couldn't spread them. He couldn't bear to part with the ashes of his lover. Then he noticed a bum sleeping on the park bench, so he explained the situation to him and asked him if he would spread the ashes.
The bum said, "For a fifth of whiskey, not only will I spread his ashes, but I'll throw in a little sermon as well." So the gay man agreed and bought the whiskey. The bum took the ashes, spread them in the wind and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if he'd stuck to pussy, he'd still be with us."

THREE GAY GUYS WERE ALL IN A CAR CRASH AND DIED. ALL THREE GUYS WERE CREMATED. THERE BOYFRIENDS WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO WITH THE ASHES. THE FIRST BOYFRIEND SAID I AM GOING TO SKY DIVE AND SPREAD HIS ASHES IN THE SKY BECAUSE THATS WHAT HE LIKED. THE SECOND GUY SAID I AM GOING TO SPREAD MY BOYFRIENDS ASHESIN THE SEA BECAUSE IT'S WHAT HE LIKED. THE THIRD GUY SAID I'M GOING TO PUT MY BOYFRIENDS ASHES IN A BOWL OF CHILI SO HE CAN RIP THROUGH MY ASS ONE LAST TIME!! Sent by ANTHONY

Five months after a two-alarm fire tore through the famous Montilio's Bakery in West Quincy, destroying everything from the ovens to the counter tops, the city landmark has risen from the ashes. Firefighters used yeast to put out the fire.

A German woman's plan to turn her dead father's ashes into a diamond was thwarted Tuesday. A district court in Wiesbaden ruled the 19-year-old could not take the cremated remains to Switzerland where a company creates synthetic diamonds from ashes.

"Dammit," said the woman, "I guess I'll just have to snort him."

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
If it wasn't for Fords,
our tools would rust.