Assignment Jokes / Recent Jokes

Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse
10. If it's wet make it dry.
9. If it's dry make it wet.
8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.
7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.
6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment".
5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment".
4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.
3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.
2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it.
1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place: tape it.

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

The teacher gave her class an assignment to do on childbirth.
When Peter got home from school that day, he asked his mother, "Mom, how was I born?"
His mother, being very reserved about these matters, replied, "Well, the stork brought you to us."
"Well then, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"The stork brought us too, dear," his shy mother replied.
"Then how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"The stork brought them too, son," she again replied.
When Peter handed his report in to his teacher a few days later, she was very confused when she read his opening sentence:
"This has been a very difficult report to write since there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser more...

Monday morning in biology class and the professor was asking questions about the weekend's reading assignment. "Who can tell me what part of the human body expands to 10 times its normal size when excited or stimulated?"
He called on Stelle, an attractive coed who promptly blushed, saying, "I refuse to answer that question on account that I am a _lady_."
The professor then called on the class valedictorian who said, "That part of the body is the eye, ma'am."
The professor then said, "Stelle, I can tell two things by your answer. One, you didn't read your assignment. And two, you're going to be sorely disappointed on your wedding night!"
- from Playboy's jokes 1963

A recent admittee to the bar accepted a job at a prestigious law firm in Los Angeles. Many law firms competed for the new attorney because of his top class ranking and because of his well-known wit and intellect as shown while he was editor of his school’s law review.
The new attorney packed his bags and boarded a flight to Los Angeles. As the attorney is stowing his carry on luggage in the overhead compartment, he notices a very attractive woman coming down the aisle towards him. The attorney takes his seat just as the woman stops, checks her seat assignment and sits down right next to him. The attorney is on cloud nine. Three hours sitting next to a goddess. It was sheer heaven the attorney thought to himself.

Eager to strike up a conversation with the woman, he asks “Business or vacation? ” With a warm smile the woman turns towards him and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in L. A. ” The young attorney can’t believe his more...