Assistant Jokes / Recent Jokes
As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" ask the chemist. "I did", replied the assistant. "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house."
Administratrium, The New Element
AMES, IA–The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead more...
A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay
to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said, "Sorry sir, we don't
serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. You'll have
to bring your elephant in." To which the poor man replied, "I am wanting
to know isn't it. What is this reason that you do not serve me?" The
shop assistant replied, "Because you might eat the pet food yourself."
The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop
assistant with his elephant. "Two bales of hay please."
A few days later, the guy is in again. "I am wanting isn't it. To buy
a sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes."
"Sorry sir, we don't serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you
might want to eat the pet food yourself."
Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red
arse and demands, "I am wanting more...
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of
condoms and a jar of KY Jelly. As soon as he has
paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man
walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist
thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day,
repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly
follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And... where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more...
"Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:"
"The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45, 000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"
A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant,"Do you have pigs ears?" The counter assistant replies,"No, its just the way my hair is parted!"
"Senior Managers" (aka "Big Wheels") at the Maryland State Highway Administration are unclassified positions that require no testing or merit exams. This one fellow applied for a job as an assistant to a Senior Manager and did have to take an exam for the job.
In the meantime though, the Senior Manager position itself opened up, because of a retirement. He applied for that, and was hired.
Some time later, this same fellow got a letter in the mail advising him that he did not qualify for the position of the Assistant Senior Manager. The letter was signed by him, as part of his new duties. (He probably never read the documents he was signing)