Assistant Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Stock Market simply illustrated. .. is there a lesson here?
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. more...

True story: A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store.

The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state,' Push up bottom to use.'

Edgar decided that an appropriate Christmas gift for his wife would be a bottle of perfume.. Nothing too expensive or overstated mind, just something simple and discrete.
So he went to a local store and located the cosmetics department.
"I would like to buy some perfume for my wife." he told the shop assistant.
"Certainly sir." she replied. "Do you have anything particular in mind?"
"Not really." he said "but nothing very expensive."
"I understand sir. Well, what about this one?"
"How much does it cost?"
"This one is sixty pounds sir
"That's too expensive for me." he replied immediately.
"Very well sir. How about this?"
"What's the price? he asked.
"Forty pounds sir."
"What else have you got?" he enquired.
"Well, there's this small bottle at twenty pounds."
"Look here." he more...

A dog walks into a JobCentre and says to the assistant: "Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?"
The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself - "Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do for you."
The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smart's Circus. "Hey Billy - you interested in a talking Dog?"
"Of course, send him along! If he's any good there'll be a few quid in it for you!"
An hour later, the dog pads back into the JobCentre. The assistant gushes: "Great news! You've got an interview tommorow at Billy Smarts Circus!"
The dog looks puzzled. "What does a circus want with a bricklayer?"

After 10 years of marriage, Sue was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband Peter worked very long hours and was no longer interested in bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks, Sue visited a sex shop.

"Hello," said Sue. "Look, I'm very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn't make love to me. You sell' Sex Dolls' for men - I'm here because I'm interested in buying, well, a Sex Doll. You know. .. one with a Dick - for me."

The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady - about 25 years old - with a 36 DD bust. .. And a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for.

"Well Miss - or Madam." He took another breath. "Frankly, we don't get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room."

Hand on her chin, Sue looked him directly in the eye and smiled. "Don't just stand there - tell me more...

A captain of a pirate ship is overlooking the ocean when he sees another pirate ship coming twards them.
He tells his young assistant

" Hurry go downstairs and get my red shirt"

So he does.

Then the two ships begin to fight, and they won.

The next day they see another ship, and the captain tell his assistant " Hurry go get my red shirt"

so he did

And they fought and won again

Finally the young assistant asks " why is it that every time we go to battle you ask for your red shirt".

The captain replies" So if I get injured in battle the crew wont see and they wont worry about me, they will just keep fighting, i just dont wanna show weekness.

So they assistant was like okay.

The next day the assistant runs up the stairs yelling "captain, captain hurry you've got to see this"

So the Captain runs outside and looks around. more...

A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the
sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by
the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed.
The sales manager stepped in.
SM: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
C: I guess so. I'll take one.
SM: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
C: Um, okay.
SM: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass
when it starts growing too long.
C: I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?"
he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what
the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where
he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
MAN: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
SA: more...