Australia Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old lady walked in to the post office to buy stamps and as she was short-sighted the clerk offered to stick the stamps on for her.
`Wait a minute,' he said, `you've written the address upside down.'

`I know,' said the little old lady, `the letter is going to Australia.'

All of the following town names are REAL:
Long Dong (Guangxi, China)
Blowhard (Australia)
Pickles Gap (Arkansas)
Petting (Germany)
Mount Mee (Australia)
Titting (Germany)
Lickdale (Pennsylvania, USA)
Yocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA)
Fugit (Kentucky, USA)
Assinippi (Massachusetts, USA)
Big Cockup and Little Cockup (England)
Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland)
Sally's Gap (Ireland)
Dick Johnson (Indiana, USA)
Beaver Bottom (Kentucky, USA)
Black Butte (Oregon, USA)
Sandy Balls (England)
Tilicum (Washington, USA)
Cockburn (Australia)
Bangor (Wales)
Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA)
Ballville (Ohio, USA)
Prickwillow (England)
Black Charlie's Opening (England)
Kinmount (Ontario, Canada)
Euren (Wisconsin, USA)
Cockland (Ohio, USA)
Assville (Tennessee, USA)
Spuzzum (Canada)
Bloody Dick (Montana, USA)
Shafter (California, USA)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Mt. Buggery more...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don`t you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and the witty answers that go with them. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower... Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed... Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October... Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what? Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us... Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply more...

If you are currently suffering religious, racial or ethnic persecution or even financial hardships and are considering Australia as your destination, please consider the following:

1. Although Australia is a large continent, only small parts of it is actually worth living in and believe it or not these areas are already full of people.

2. The vast majority of the country is uninhabitable due to the large number of poisonous snakes, spiders and man eating crocodiles.

3. Due to the hole in the Ozone layer, you cannot live in the sun unprotected for more than 15 mins and sunscreen costs exceed 40% of the average Australian wage.

4. Australia is in the process of beefing up their defence forces, F111 fighter bombers, Orion coastal patrol aircraft and F/A 18 aircraft all scour our oceans looking for your ships, while the world renowned and feared Collins class submarines are the invisible death lurking undetectable beneath our more...

Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one
of these cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth style.
After the standard ones, like name, nationality, passport number, etc..
he got to one that asked:
"Have you ever been imprisoned?"
After thinking about that for some time he entered:
"I didn't know it was still a requirement."
Hans van Staveren, Vrije Universiteit, Amsterdam, Holland

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,' 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.'' Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says,' 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.'' The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,' 'And what are those?'' The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,' 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?''