Australian Jokes / Recent Jokes

What is the Australian for foreplay? Brace yourself, Sheila! And the Welsh? Are you awake, Gwen?

A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said,' That's a docile old thing, isn't it?'
' No way,' said the keeper,' it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.'
' Hardly seems possible,' said the astonished visitor,' but why is it lying there licking its arse?'
' The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.'

This is supposedly true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaisance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.

Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good little programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, more...

A Korean, A Mexican, An Australian & An American Are Attending A U. N. General Assembly. The Secretary General Of The U. N.
Says,"Each And Every Country Should Take Necessary Steps To Solve The Problem Of Terrorism For The Betterment Of The Rest Of
The World. To This The Korean Says'Sorry, I Don't Know The Meaning Of The Phrase'necessary Steps.' After This The Mexican
Says'Sorry, I Don't Know The Meaning Of The Phrase" To Solve Problems." Then The Australian Says "Sorry, I Don't Know The
Meaning Of The Word' Terrorism'." At Last The American Says'Sorry, I Don't Know The Meanig Of The Phrase'for The Betterment
Of The Rest Of The World."

What's the definition of Australian aristocracy?
A man who can trace his lineage back to his father.

An American, Australian and Englishman where stranded together on a desert island. After many years together, one day the three men were walking on the beach when they saw an old bottle than had been washed up. Immediatley the American opened the bottle. There was a flash and a loud bang and a Genie appeared. The Genie said" I have been trapped in that bottle for a 1000 years, and as a reward I will give you all one wish"
The American straight away said "I want to go back home to New York"
With a wave of the Genie's hand, the American disappeared.
The Australian said "Please send me back to my home in Sydney"
"No Problem", the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappear.
Suddenly there was a loud crash. Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky onto the beach. The elephant picked himself up and looked around. He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said more...

For the finals of the Australian Cow Milking Championship, an Australian, a German and a Filipino were given 15 minutes each to milk as much as they could from cows assigned to them. After 15 minutes. .. "Australian contestant, how much did you get?" "A gallon," the contestant shouted. Palakpakan. "German contestant, how much?" "A gallon and a half, sir!" Mas masigabong palakpakan. "Filipino contestant, how much did you milk?" "One teaspoon, sir!" Nakabibinging katahimikan."Beg your pardon sir, but. .. they gave me a bull!"