Australian Jokes / Recent Jokes

There's a plane flying over the Atlantic, with six passengers: a Frenchman, a pregnant French woman, an Englishman, a pregnant English woman, an Australian, and a pregnant Asian-Australian woman.
Lightning strikes both wings, and the plane is going out of control. The pilot rushes up to the passengers, and says "I'm sorry, but there's only 4 parachutes. As I'm the pilot, it's essential that I get back to tell everyone what happened to the plane; you'll have to work out who gets the other three parachutes", so saying, he jumps out of the plane, opens his parachute and floats down to the ground.
The Frenchman looks at the pregnant French woman, and says "France needs more Frenchmen, therefore I do this for my country" and he jumps out of the plane without a parachute. The Englishman looks at the pregnant English woman, and says "I do this for my country", and jumps out of the plane without a parachute. The Australian looks at the pregnant more...

Australian Rules Football is, like the games of many countries, a game of spectator devotion. Kids are born as supporters of a team, and die that way. Especially Collingwood supporters.
For example: Friend of mine (yes, one of those sorts of jokes) went to the Grand Final one year. Couldn't find a seat. Went into the Collingwood stand, saw and old bloke sitting next to the empty seat. Went over to him.
"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
"No, sit down mate"
"How come this seat was empty?"
"Oh I booked two seats, one for me and one for my wife"
"Is she ill or something?"
"No: actually she died last week"
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your grief"
"Its OK. .."
"Why didn't you offer the seat to one of your workmates or family friends?"
"I would have done, but they're all at the funeral"

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term' died in the arse'?

2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage:' In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a)' If the van's rockin' don't bother?
b) You're going home in the back of more...

There were 3 men on a plane a Chinese, Australian and an American. They all had to drop something from the plane otherwise they would crash. So the Chinese person dropped some knives. A father and a son were walking along but knives pierced the son. The father ran home and told his wife what happened, they both cried. The Australian dropped some guns. Another son and father were walking along when all of a sudden the guns smashed the sons head. The father went home told his wife what happened and they both cried. The American dropped . The son went home and a saw his father laughing his head off the son asked, "What's so funny father? " "Well, when I farted, the next door neighbour's house exploded! ".

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30, 000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!"

One day there was three guys, a American, Australian and German. They
were all braging about how long their dicks were so they decided to put it
to a test.
All of them walked up a fifty story building and floped it out.
First the German went and it fell to 15 stories and they all were
impressed.
Then the Australian went and he floped it out and his fell to 30 stories
and the other two were impressed.
Then the last, the American went and as soon as he floped it out he started
wiggling his waist and the other two said "What are you doing?"
He said "doging traffic."