Australian Jokes / Recent Jokes
There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, "Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off the bridge! " the Irish person looked in his sandwich and said, "Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwich from my wife again, I will jump off the bridge! " The Australian said, "Oh CRAP! Not Mortadella again, if I get this sandwich again I am going to jump off the bridge! " so the next day the Chinese person looks in his sandwich and says, "Phew, I've got a cheese sandwich! " so he eats it. The Irish person looks in his sandwich and says, "Phew, I've got a vegemite sandwich! " so he eats it. The Australian looked in his sandwich, and he jumped off the bridge. The Irish person said, "I don't understand, he more...
Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A. It's like a French kiss, but down under.
Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A. It's like a French kiss, but down under.
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!"
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer" The Scotsman says, "That's nothing" My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30, 000 car, and she can't even drive" Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that" Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms" Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!"
American, an Australian and an irishman standing outside the Recruitment office waiting for their medicals.
the yank goes in, half hour later comes out grinning from ear to ear.."they dont want me..... medically unfit... classification FF, i cant march, FLAT FEET!!!
the australian goes in next, 1 hour later comes out grinning as well.."they dont want me.. medically unfit..... classification FA, i cant march, FALLEN ARCHES!!!
So now its Paddy's turn. One hour goes by, then 2 hrs, then 3. "oh shit, looks like Paddy has had it!!!" says the Aussie. Just then Paddy comes out, grinning the biggest grin you have ever seen.
Were you rejected you too, they shout! ! Hooray.
paddy replies, " yes, didnt want me.. medically unfit.... classification FC.
"FC"??? asks the yank, whats that? ?
Paddy replies proudly, yep. ... medically unfit. classification FC...... i cant march!!....... FUCKING CANCER!!!!
The new tax system is full of acronyms which makes it more difficult for the average taxpayer to grasp. The following is a simple succinct appreciation of the new system.
The new system is NUTS the New Universal Taxation System and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand.
Basically, it is STUFFT the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.
Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels.
Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO) Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month.
Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD more...