Australian Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
'Oh really,' says Saint Peter.' What have you done then?'
'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
'Oh,' says Saint Peter,' anything else?'
'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
'Hmmm, anything else?'
'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
'OK,' said Saint Peter,' you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says,' I've more...

What's an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

An International Breakfast
At a breakfast table, there was a British couple, an American couple and an
Australian couple.
The British husband, who liked to use puns, said to his wife, "Can you pass
the honey, Honey?"
Not wanting to lose out, the American husband turned and said to his wife, "Do
you mind passing the sugar, Sugar?"
The Australian husband did not want to lose out either, but he could not think
how he could copy the other 2 husbands. Finally, he spoke to his wife, "Pass
me the bacon, you Pig!!"

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine more...

Steinberg and Fleisher, partners in the garment industry had just suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer.

Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."

Steinberg said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. more...

The Australian liberal party announced today that they arechanging their emblem to a condombecause it more clearly reflects their party'spolitical stance: A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages co-operation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security whilescrewing others.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he more...