Australian Jokes / Recent Jokes

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says, "I`m not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian goes first, and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says, "I will take it as it comes, I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly "Stiff upper lip you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Wee Hughie, it`s your turn, you have the same choice as the other two, what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, more...

An Australian man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Japanese bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes." The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold." The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one? The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

There was a Australian, Asian and an American. The three were in a plane. the plane was about to crash so they had to throw out what they had most of. the American threw out hotdogs, the asian threw out fried rice and noodles, and the australian threw out the Asian!

Q. What's an Australian kiss? A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

What does an Australian witch ride on? A broomerang!

Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. more...

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they're saying?
Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and what it means:
A MEDGEN: visualize, conjure up mentally, John Lennon 's first solo album Imagine, as if it was a Bug Hut in the Land of the Long White Cloud.
BETTING: 'Betting Gloves' are worn by 'betsmen' in 'crucket'.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the 'nick' and the 'billy'.
BUGGER: As in 'mine is bugger then yours'.
CHULLY BUN: 'Chilly bin' also known as an ESKY'
COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like 'Surria', 'E-Jupp' and 'Libernon. '
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff.
GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.
CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point more...