Australian Jokes / Recent Jokes

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

What's an Australian kiss?
The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

The strapping Australian farm boy on his first visit to Melbourne explained to a streetwalker he'd just met, "Ma run off when I was just a little critter, so there weren't no one to raise me' ceptin' Pa. He taught me most of what I need to know, but he said I'd have to come to the city to learn about women, so I'd be obliged if you'd teach me that." The sympathetic prostitute took the farm boy to her apartment. She told him to get undressed and then she went into an adjoining room and changed from her street clothes into a filmy black negligee. When she returned, she found all of her furniture stacked against the walls, the carpet rolled back and the young man stripped and squatting in the middle of the bare floor.
"What's going on here?" she demanded.
The young man explained, "I don't know how it is with a woman, but I figured if it's anything like kangaroos, we'd be needing plenty of room."

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands...! "

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands...! "

An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.
The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.
"What's the difference," he asks?
"Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on." "The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays." "The Australians, well, they have 12."
At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?
"Yes, 12. One for January, one for February..."

An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.
The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.
"What's the difference," he asks?
"Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on." "The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays." "The Australians, well, they have 12."
At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?
"Yes, 12. One for January, one for February...."