Avoid Jokes / Recent Jokes

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. All women are overweight by definition don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. If it is not more...

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.If it is not more...

1) MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2) SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree". You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3) TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4) ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all more...

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Travelled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q: What warning was given by you?

A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party?

A: Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would more...

You know you`re a nurse if... You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they`ll drop near you and you`ll have to do CPR on your day off.

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT`S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a more...

I hope you will enjoy this since it humorous as well as instructive.
Do not use computerese, jargon, argot, newspeak, or British when expressing yourself in the American English Language.
Subject and verb always has to agree.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
Avoid cliches like the very plague.
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and should be thrown out the window.
Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
Don't be redundant.
Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
The passive voice should not be used.
Use the apostrophe in it's more...