Bad Jokes / Recent Jokes
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face:
Doctor: "Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news".
Guy: "Well, give me the really bad news first"
Doctor: "You have cancer, and only 6 months to live"
Guy: "And the bad news?"
Doctor: "You have Alzheimer's disease."
Guy: "Thank god. I was afraid I had cancer!"
"Yeah, Doc, what's the news?" asked grandpa Sam when his doctor called with his test results. "I have some bad news and some really bad news," said the doctor. "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Oh my God," gasped Sam as he dropped to his knees. "What could be worse news than that?" "I couldn't get hold of you yesterday."
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God!... What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin:' Woke up this morning.'
2.' I got a good woman' is a bad way to begin the
blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
next line.
I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other
acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing
the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough more...
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to more...
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn''t been feeling well and wants to find out if he''s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I''m afraid I have some bad news. You''re dying and you don''t have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that''s terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10... 9... 8.. 7..."
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them. A little something to help them keep going.
***** Do you know what that E-mail said? *****