Bad Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50. 00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!""Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school." Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad more...

Life is a shit sandwich and on bad days you get no bread.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you. Patient: well you might as well tell me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty four hours to live, Patient: 24 HOURS! WHAT COULD BE WORSE? what`s the very bad news? Doctor: I`ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Hello out there all people of the world. This is Santa and I just
wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this
year. You see, after checking all the boxes and tallying them
up, I found some problems with the results.
The first result showed:
250, 576, 428, 534, 120 Good
250, 576, 428, 523, 119 Bad
While the second result showed:
250, 576, 428, 534, 118 Good
250, 576, 428, 523, 121 Bad
So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents
while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny
was good for once, then again, maybe not.
So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help
do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th
of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer.
You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I
made them myself. I forgot what they meant.
You know, Good... and more...

"Oy vey! I've got good news and bad news about our son." said Mrs. Shapiro to her husband.

"Give me the bad news first!" said Mr. Shapiro.

"Our boy's become a homosexual!"

"Oy! So what's the good news?"

"He's going with a rich doctor!"

Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"