Bad Jokes / Recent Jokes
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind. Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news. . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the more...
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I`m going to give you a penis and a brain. You`ll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what`s the bad news?"
God says, "I`m only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the
entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she
recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails
and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up with string, These
are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident, Fixodent and
dentures and glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my more...
President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to havedinner with God. During dinner He tells them: "I needed three importantpeople to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroythe Earth." Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I have tworeally bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy theearth." Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: "I have goodnews and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news istomorrow he's destroying the Earth." Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have two pieces ofgreat news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K problem fixed."
"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"
It is December 30 1999 11: 00 PM, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Boris Yeltsin appear before god. God: I have called you here with me because to my opinion you are the three most important men on earth. I want you to spread the message that I will destroy the earth on January 1. I will now send you back.......... Spread the message Boris Yeltsin: He gathers his comrades and says Friends I have bad news for us: 1) God exists 2) The world will be destroyed soon Bill Clinton: Clinton gathers his staff members and senators and says I have good news and bad news: 1) The good news is that God exists 2) The bad news is that he will destroy the world Bill Gates: Gates gathers all his managers and says I just have good news for you guys: 1) I am one of the three most important people on the planet 2) The Y2K-bug is solved
Top Ten Signs That It's Going to be a Bad Shift
10. The previous shift tells you, "Things have been quiet."
9. You walk onto the floor and someone from the previous shift says, "Is it that time already?"
8. You run into the pharmacist at the elevator, he hands you a case of Prozac and says, "Here, this is for your floor."
7. Your phone rings 4 hours before your shift and they beg you to come in early.
6. After giving report, the nurse yells from the elevator, "Oh, by the way, they're' pleasantly confused'."
5. While driving to work, every radio station is playing "Knockin' on Heaven's Door".
4. As soon as you walk in, someone hands you scrubs and says, "Here, you'd better put these on."
3. You come in and find one of the previous shift nurses openly weeping at the nurse's station.
2. The nurse about to give you report looks up from her notes and asks, "How many R's in more...