Ballad Jokes

Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."

This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions."

To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100. 00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing"

. At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is more...

Y2K Ballad
(sing to the tune of ''Gilligan's Island'')
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date
RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
''Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two.''
''This works through 1999,''
The programmers did say.
''Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.''
But management had not a clue;
''It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet.''
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But more...

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE
* Playing loudly during warm up $10
* Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
* Loud cursing after mistake $10
* Playing high and fast after mistake $20
* Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
* Asking for "E" tuning note $25
* Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
* Playing written-out walking line $50
* Failure to play written walking line $75
* Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
* Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
* Playing eighth notes $5 each
* Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
* Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
* Dragging fast tempo $75
* Dragging ballad tempo $100
* Blacking out during ballad $200
* Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
* Following drummer's tempo $250
* Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

ELECTRIC PLAYERS
* Checking hair between tunes $15
* Experimenting with odd meters $25
* Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
* Playing with a pick $50
* Tuning during ballad $30
* Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
* Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
* Attempting last word on final chord $50
* Achieving last word on final chord $100
* Long gliss down to final note $200

The Ballad of Sarah PalinSong Written, Directed, and Performed by Mason StormProduced by Warpedcorp