Balloons Jokes

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily
stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top
of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car
and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to
survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he
graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He more...

At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons-all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they enjoyed the trick.

Excerpted from the book "Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest," (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet
In 1990, the [United States] Customs Service launched six helium-filled balloons equipped with surveillance equipment to detect drug smuggling along the Mexican border.
The balloons cost $90 million to build and $30 million to operate during the thirty months in which agents seized only 3000 pounds of marijuana and nine weapons.
Even though this works out to $40000 for each pound of marijuana seized, Sen. Dennis DeConcini (D-Arizona) defended the program by pointing out that the low numbers prove the balloons are deterring smuggling activity.

Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless. Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts. Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven. Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying! What do you mean? Says his mother. Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what
>are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells
>Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter
>would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he
>asked
>his father the same question. His father, always quick with the
>answers,
>says, "Why? Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we
>can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat
>
>and asks no more questions.
>
>A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early.
>
>Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy!
>Mommy's
>dying!!"
>
>His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
>
>"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming more...