Baptist Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Baptist minister had the misfortune to be seated next to an lawyer on his flight home. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The lawyer asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips." The lawyer then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don`t do it!"
"Why shouldn`t I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there`s so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well. .. are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
Christian."
Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist more...

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist.' 'I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon.' 'I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large
Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was
outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his
neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each
Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got
together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was
tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and, they couldn't take
it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic.
They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to
join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to
Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "
You
were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a
Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten
temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled more...

...if you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
...if you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.. ..if you think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.. ..if the first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before.". ..if you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.. ..if your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.. ..if you ever wonder when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.. ..if you honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English. ..if you think worship service music has to be loud.. ..if you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.. ..if you think preachers who wear robes are in Cahoots with the communists.. ..if you judge the quality of a service by the length of the service. And finally, if you ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken more...

SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions
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Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of more...