Bars Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good
for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "Naw, he minded his own damn business."

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the more...

The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.

Monday night, 10 pm

Girl: Hello?

Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?

Girl: Speaking.

Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)

Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?

Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief. I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she probably hates me already!)

Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he actually more...

This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar".
The bear bangs on the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars".
The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids".
The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen".
In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve bears who are on drugs".
The bear says "On drugs?"
The barman says "Yes - I saw the bar-bit-u-ate"

A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. "Where have you been?" she screams. "It's 4 in the morning!"
He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink...but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men's Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals...man, I want to tell you, it was wonderful."
"I don't believe that story for one goddamn minute," his wife said. "What was this place called?"
"Hell," he replies, "I can't remember...I got too drunk, and I more...

IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK..... You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON... You get three meals a day. AT WORK..... You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK..... You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK..... You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK..... You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... You get your own toilet. AT WORK..... You have to share. IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK..... You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK..... You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for more...

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own room. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they more...