Bastard Jokes / Recent Jokes

young billy over heard his parents fighting while getting ready for a party. his dad called his mom a bitch and his mom called his dad a bastard.and billy said mom wuts a bitch and a bastard? and his mom said a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a man. next he went outside and heard his neighbor say put your hot dog in my hot dog bun. and billy said mom whats a hot dog and a hot dog bun? a hot dog buns a hat and a hot dog is a coat. next he went upstairs and heard his dad say shit. and he said shit cause he cut himself. and billy said whats shit? and his dad said shit is a kind of shaving cream.then he went downstairs. his mom said fuck while she was cutting the turkey. and he said whats fuck.? and she said it was a way of cutting the turkey.then the door bell rang and she said go greet the guests. ok said billy. when he opened the door he said hi bitches and bastards, may i take your hot dogs and hot dog buns, my dads upstairs wiping the shit off his face and my moms fucking the turkey.

The new tax system is full of acronyms which makes it more difficult for the average taxpayer to grasp. The following is a simple succinct appreciation of the new system.

The new system is NUTS the New Universal Taxation System and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand.

Basically, it is STUFFT the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.

Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels.

Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO) Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month.

Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD more...

In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red bastard of the asphalt. You got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face, he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away.
Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt. You got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no more...

A man is in court for murder and the judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
Then a voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard!"
Then the judge continues, "you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt of court. Now, what is the problem?"
The man at the back of the court replies, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!"

A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damn bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine more...

One Friday afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window:

"How can I help you?"

"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"

With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window:

"What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke of takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and more...