Bastard Jokes / Recent Jokes

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. ”
“You bastard! ” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer, ” says the judge.
“Bastard! ” the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt. ”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor, ” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one. ”

A man is in court for murder and the judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
Then a voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard!"
Then the judge continues, "you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt of court. Now, what is the problem?"
The man at the back of the court replies, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!"

A recent Scotish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bastard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. “Set up everybody in the place! ” he shouts. The bartender obliges.
Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy’s pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy’s pocket.
The Bartender asks what’s going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says “just set everybody up again. ” Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.
Once more the little man appears from the guy’s shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.
Bartender says “explain yourself, or leave. ”
Guy says “Well…. I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. more...

one day there was this boy.
and his parents were fighting.
then the mother called the father a bastard and the father called mother a bitch.
after the fight the boy asked "whats a bastard and a bitch?" then mom replied: "bastard is a boy and a bitch is a girl."
then at night the boy took something from the pillow and said to the father "whats this?" then father said "its a condom!" the boy asked "whats it for?" father said:"its a coat."
then the other day mom was in the kitchen cutting the chicken then she cut herself then said "FUCK". boy said whats a fuck? mom said "its when you cut something."
then father shaving. then he cut himself and said "SHIT" then boy asked whats a shit? dad said "its when you cut something."
then the doorbell ranged and the boy answered it.
and the boy said: Welcome bitches and bastards! may i take your condom to hang them? my more...

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.His tears are streaming down his cheeks.An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him."What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?""It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all fourlittle kittens we had yesterday!""That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Yourfather is a real bastard!'"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me thatI could do it."

This one man comes to America from a foreign country. He is at a baseball game for the first time. While he is sitting in the stands, he sees a man hit a ball and then run. He notices everyone get up and start to scream "run." So the next time someone hits the ball he stands up and says "run ya bastard run." Now that he got the hang of it he did this every time the ball was hit. A few minutes later he sees a guy lay down the bat and walk towards first base, so he gets up and says "run ya bastard run." Every one started to laugh. He sat down in embarrassment and a man kindly leaned over his shoulder and said "he doesn't have to run." The man replied "why not?" He said "because he's got four balls." So the foreign man stood up and said..."walk with pride my boy!"