Bastard Jokes / Recent Jokes

If Britney Spears and Fat Bastard mated, the resulting child would be: Anna Nicole Smith. Sent by Marisa

STANDARD BACKYARD CRICKET RULES

Can't Get Out First Ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco bastard a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep - which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer.

Caught Behind: Since no-one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.

One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce)is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. More importantly, it means you don't have to put your beer down.

No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as if test driving a Zimmer more...

A policeman was walking the beat when suddenly he saw a large black man pummeling a small jewish man as he pinned him to the concrete. The policeman quickly rushed in to break up the scuffle.
He asked the black man what was going on and why he was beating the helpless man.
The black man responded "He called me a black bastard!"
The policeman looked down to the beaten jewish man and asked. "Is it true? Did you call this man a black bastard?"
The jewish man looked at the policeman and said "No! The gentleman asked me where the store was and I told him he was a block past it."

Mommy and daddy were fighting when daddy called mommy a bitch and the little boy said what is that daddy he said just another name for a girl then mommy called daddy a bastard and the little boy said what is a bastard mommy said just another name for a guy.then they said fucking and the little boy said what is that he said just another name for carving the turkey. then the doorbell rang the little boy answered and said come on in btiches and bastards my parents are just fucking the turkey!

There was a little girl she didn't know any bad words.
the mom was cutting the turkey and she cut herself, she said "fuck". the little girl says "mommy, what's' fuck'?" it's another word for cutting the turkey.
so the dad was shaving in the corner and he dropped his razor and said "shit". The little girl said "daddy what's' shit'?" And the dad replied "it's another word for shaving"
so the mom and dad were fighting. the mom says "you bastard" the little girl says "mommy what's a' bastard'" it's another word for a man. the dad replied "you bitch" and the little girl asked "daddy what's a' bitch'?" it's another word for' woman'.
so some guests arrived and the little girl says "hey you bitches and bastards mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and dad's in the corner shitting"
moral: tell the truth

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.
She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"
A little girl raised her hand.
"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"
"It's a cow, teacher."
"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.
Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"
Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

the difinition of a bastard.
a guy that fucks you all night long with a two inch dick and kisses you goodbye in the morning with a nine inch tongue