Bastard Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Direct Approach Description: You just say it. Examples - 1. "I got my period today." (The simple version) 2. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight." (The "let there be no doubt" version) 3. "Honey, I'm bleeding." (The gross version) Benefits: Fast, simple, gets the message across. Amusing results can be achieved when the timing is right. Such as when you're in a public place or eating dinner. More amusing results can be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents. The best results, of course, will be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents in a public place. Cautions: May freak out some men, if you're unsure about the nature of the relationship you're in but would rather not find out at this stage - go for an alternative approach. Sometimes best to keep until the last minute, like when he can't tell you to go home. Will give away the fact that you regard it as an issue (that is, if you regard it as an issue) more...

Minnesota Diary:
August 12
Moved to our new home in Minnesota. Beautiful here. The Nothern Woods are so majestic. Can hardly wait for snow. I love it here.
Oct. 14
Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned colours-shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the country and saw some deer. They are so graceful. .... certainly they are the most beautiful animals on earth. I really love it here.
Nov. 11
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. What a beautiful place.
Dec. 12
Snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard! We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight ( I won), and when the snow plow came by we got to shove the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Minnesota.
Dec. 14
More snow last night. I love it. The more...

There once was a boy, whose parents was a cursed a lot.
One time, while he was on a drive with his dad, a policeman pulled him over and gave him a ticket. "Bastard!" the father muttered afterwards.
The boy asked, "What does 'bastard' mean?"
The dad told him nervously, "It's a slang word for 'police officer'."
Another time, the dad was walking out of the house. On his way out, he tripped over the doormat and yelled, "Shit!"
The boy heard and asked, "Dad, what does 'shit' mean?"
The dad said to him, "It means 'doormat'."
Later, the boy went into the kitchen and his mum was cooking eggs. She dropped one and yelled angrily, "Tit!"
The boy asked her, "What does 'tit' mean?"
The mum told him, "It's another word for 'eggs'".
The dad came back home later and went upstairs. The boy followed him up. The dad went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Seconds more...

So this little boy heres his mom call his dad a bitch and his dad called his mom a bastard. so later that day he asks his mom " hey mom what is a bitch and a bastard? well a bitch is a girl and a bastard is a guy. So after learning that he goes upstairs and hears his dad shot SHIT and he asks his dad " what does shit mean? its another word for shaving cream. So he goes outside and heres this little boy say i wanna stick my penis up your vagina. after that he goes inside and asks his parents what a penis and a vagina is. His mom replies well a Penis is a hat and Vagina is a coat. Later that night his mom shouts FUCK and he asks what does that mean? she says thats another word for cutting the chicken. The doorbell rings and he says hello bitchs and bastards can i take your penis and vagina? My dad is upstairs shitting himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the chicken.

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer.

They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.
We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - more...

>From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard." The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."

A little boy was sitting on the couch while his parents were arguing.
"I don't want your bastard family coming over for Thanksgiving." said his mom.
"Mom, what's a bastard?" asked the little boy.
"Oh, that is just your dad's family." she replied.
"Well I don't want those bitches you call family to come either!" his dad said
"Dad, what, s a bitch?"
"Oh, it is just your moms family."he said
Later the little boy went and took a shower with his mom. He looked up and said, "Mom what are those?" His mom was surprised she didn't know what to say so she said, "Oh, they are tits. something grown ups wear under there clothes."The boy seemed satisfied and got out.
He then took a shower with his dad. When he looked up he asked, "Dad what's that?" Flustered his dad said, "Oh, that is a dick. It is something adults wear."
"Ohhh okay." the little boy more...