Bat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why did the bat miss the bus? Because he hung around for too long.

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn’t afford to feed it. He’d never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50, 000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He’s carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,
000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.
He’d never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, “no. ” Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50, 000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the more...

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat." "When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. St. Paul, MNThe hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone. Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut."I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went... into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in... and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could."The man ran. Ryan called 911. Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.

STANDARD BACKYARD CRICKET RULES

Can't Get Out First Ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco bastard a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep - which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer.

Caught Behind: Since no-one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.

One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce)is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. More importantly, it means you don't have to put your beer down.

No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as if test driving a Zimmer more...

From "Machine Design" Magazine.

..... Byte Bat

All too often, computers aren`t up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That`s where the Byte Bat comes in.

It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.

Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user`s manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec. bat file.
He said it said "File not found".
I told him to do a dir.
I asked him if he saw autoexec. bat listed.
He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there`s some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."
I said type this in "type autoexec. bat".
Again he got "File not found".
I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.
He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat`.