Battery Jokes / Recent Jokes

Six months after purchasing an expensive battery for his car, an angry motorist returned to the shop where he bought it.
"Listen here," the motorist grumbled to the garage owner, "when I purchased that battery you told me it would be the last one my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"I'm sorry, sir," apologized the owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Useless Inventions

Non stick Cellotape

Solar Powered Flash Light

A black highlighter pen

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Inflatable Anchor

Smooth Sandpaper

Waterproof sponge

Waterproof Teabags

AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

Fireproof Matches

Fireproof Cigarettes

Battery powered Battery Charger

Seatbelts for Motorbikes

Hand powered Chainsaw

Inflatable Dartboard

Silent Alarm Clock

A Pedal powered wheelchair

Braille Drivers Manual

Double sided playing cards

Ejector seats for Helicopters

Edward Eugene Harper accused child molester and one of the FBI's10 Most Wanted Fugitives, was apprehended Thursday inWyoming. In 1994 Harper was indicted for conspiracy tocommit sexual battery, fondling a child and sexual battery. He has been living onWyoming since 1994, working odd jobs andherding sheep. Incidentally, he is alsoon PETA’s most wanted list for committing similar crimes.

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened? "

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them? "

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

Automobile Tool Definitions
Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can more...