Beauty Jokes / Recent Jokes

They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?

First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star. "Nothing," replied the assistant. "Nothing?" she asked, "but how can I look like a film star?" "Haven't you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?" replied the assistant.

Redneck Haikus
Beauty
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps
Remorse
A painful sadness
Cain't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
Mother and Child
Crusted in boogers
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves
Exuberance
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
Alone
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order
Desire
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost fergit
That you're my cousin
Impounded
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
Offerings
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton
Drama
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock
Deprived
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin' doll
Mama whups his ass
No Signal
White noise, buzzing static
Call more...

I shave my legs
I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
I don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
I can balance the checkbook
I can pump my own gas
I can talk to my friends about the size of my bottom
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes a long time.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong
I don't drive in circles at any cost, and I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost
I Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon every time I have to go to the john
Hey, put the seat down,'cause I won't leave it up!
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
I don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
Flowers are okay, but jewelry's best
I don't have a problem expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying, you look at the ceiling
Now, you must forward more...

A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head. "Hmmm," said the doctor. "I've no idea what it is." The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom. "I'm stumped," said the doctor, "but you can try taking these pills." When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head. "Ah!" said the doctor, "I know what it is. You've got a beauty spot."

I've just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!