Behold Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh... " but he couldn't remember the rest of it.So he trys to regain his composure, backs up an starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh!..." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row! He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered..."It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!"
The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper.. . )
Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!
Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!
CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)
CALL THE more...
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightening force more...
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force more...
Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth, and the fine print taketh away.
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him. He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it. So he trys to regain his composure, backs up an starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember. So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh!. .." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row! He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered..."It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!"
A few minutes into the new preacher's first sermon, his mind went totally blank. Suddenly, he remembered some advice he received when a similar situation arose while he was in seminary school - repeat your last point. Doing this will often help you remember what comes next. So, he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said, but his mind was still blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with such vehemence that he tripped over the wire of his mircrophone and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a frail old woman seated in the front row.
Embarrassed, the nervous preacher attempted to apologize, but the old lady replied, "That's quite all right, young man. It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. After all, you did tell me three times that you were coming!"