"The Chocolate Ritual" joke

The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper.. . )

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)

CALL THE QUARTERS:

Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert!
be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle
from all moochers approaching
from the East.

Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great Prince of the palace of decadence!
be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all diets approaching
from the South.

Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great prince of the palace of thirst!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all carob approaching
from the West.

Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great Prince of the palace of crunchy!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approaching
from the North.

MAIN RITUAL:

HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):

Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called:
Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:

HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and
better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a
great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me,
who is Queen of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who
have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall
bring Good
Things for your tongue. And you shall have chocolate smears on your
cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises
all in my presence.
For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy on
earth, yea, even into high orbit, for my law is' melts in your mouth,
not in your hand.' Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always,
let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your
mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and the
comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the gracious Goddess who
gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of men and women.

Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond
death...well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only
you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust
of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks
and finer stores everywhere:

I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness
of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles,
and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy
soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from me
do all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return,
again...and again...and again...and again.

Before me smeared faces, beloved of women and men, thine innermost
divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my
taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of
yumminess and pleasure are
my rituals.

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling,
big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate-covered
cherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your
seeking and yearning shall
avail you not unless you know the Mystery:' We shall sell no
chocolate until you pay for it.' For behold: I have been with you
since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly
any shop in the land.
Messed be.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called
Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many
other names:
HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on
the floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the
deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist
the call for chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your
sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the
call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store
downtown.

I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of
jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the
shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. You are
dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that
you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magical
sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the
powers of the half-melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by
the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell
of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the
beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you.

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The
wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan kin would envy.
Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the
last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo.

Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called
'Baking Chocolate,' for it is vile and bitter. Be not greedy, but let
yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else.

I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next
corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end
of your hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-11 on
the corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who
can never get quite enough.

If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are
intertwined.

CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO
(Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)

HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark
chocolate.
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.
HP: For both are better than the falsely named' white Chocolate.'
HPS: And neither is carob.
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake.
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar.
Both: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is
no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.

(Blessing of the cupcakes)

HP: Frosting is keen.
HPS: And frosting is neat.
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let us eat!

(Feasting and Drinking)

Dismiss the quarters:

HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies for the ______, we thank you for attending
our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet
and sticky realms, we say unto you,' N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the
very best.'

ALL: Chooooooooc-laaaaate

(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east)