Bert Jokes / Recent Jokes

There has been an emergency when Bert gets home from work. His 9 year old son, Little Johnny called to tell him that his younger son has been hurt, he was hit by a car. Bert rushes through the doors of the emergency room at the hospital, “I got here as fast as I could! How is Milton? ” He is told by his wife, “He’s fine. He needed three stitches in his chin. ” “Johnny told me what happened! Thank goodness he’s all right! Thank goodness he wasn’t killed! I can’t believe our Little Milty was hit by a car! ” “That’s what Johnny told you? ” asks Wilma. “Well, he said some other stuff, too, but I was running out the door? Why? ” “Are you familiar with the ‘Hot Wheels’ line of vehicles? ”

Harry and Bert two intrepid explorers are walking through the jungle, when suddenly they are set upon by fierce man-eating cannibals. They are trussed up in a trice and carried off back to the cannibal's village,
Here they are stripped and placed in a big cauldron of water, the natives then start chopping up vegtables and throwing them into the water as well. Now Harry and Bert are a little preturbed to be next on the h'or deurves list so they call for the Chief of the cannibals.
Well, the Chief comes to see them and asks what they want. Harry and Bert ask the Chief if there is any way they can get out of being cooked and eaten by the cannibals. Well the Chief says there is the ancient test of the jungle fruits.
What do we have to do say the intrepid explorers. Well, says the Chief, you go off into the jungle and bring back a jungle fruit of some kind and we put you to a test, and if you can perform the test we will let you go free.
Seems fair, think our heros. So they more...

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.

When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must of been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."

Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when you forget to remove my pantyhose!"

Bert and Ernie were deciding what they should do for the day, and Bert says,"How about we go get some icecream?"

And Ernie says,"Sher-bert."

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It’s a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!
Overview: I had to take my son’s hamster to the vet. Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick, ” he told me, “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help? ”
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
“Honey, ” I called, “come look at the hamster! ” “Oh, my gosh, ” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies. ” “What? ” My son demanded.
“But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom! ”
I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can more...

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.
Well it wasn’t long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo’s toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.
When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, “I must of been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out. ”
Flo looked at him and smiled. “That usually happens when you forget to remove my pantyhose! ”

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."