Better Jokes / Recent Jokes
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put' You are not getting older' at the top and' You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class: It is always darkest... Just before you flunk a test. There is nothing new... under a rock. A journey of a thousand miles begins with... a private jet. A committee of three... gets things done when they are not fighting. If you can't stand the heat... try Antarctica. Better late than... absent. A rolling stone... may dent the floor. If at first you don't succeed... live with it. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry... and then blow your nose. A bird in the hand is.... better than a woodpecker on your head. Early to bed, early to rise... and you will get the best cereal. Two heads... are pretty scary. It is better to light a candle than... to light a bomb. A miss is as good as... a mister. A penny saved... is not a lot. Don't burn your bridges... or you'll fall in the lake. Haste makes... sweat
Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car more...
Douglas Adams:' There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.'
Albert Einstein:' Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.'
Unknown:' Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.'
Edward P. Tryon:' In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'
Max Frisch:' Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.'
Kilgore Trout:' The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.'
Woody Allen:' I'm astounded by more...
SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and. ..
PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle more...
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health. The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.