Bigger Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the
time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could
have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger.One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?""No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." - Douglas Adams.
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." - Woody Allen.
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." - Carl Zwanzig.
"Computer programming is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning."
- Rich Cook.
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." - Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes).

The only man who is a bigger fool than the one who knows it all is the one who will argue with him.

Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean “up”, as in “look up at the screen”. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A: more...

An Unlikely Conversation
(written by Terry Herrin in a reply on Software Creations BBS)
Bart "I'd like to upgrade my Siamese to an Abyssinian."
Clerk "Do you want a red or a tan Abby?"
Bart "I dunno. Is there a difference besides the color?"
Clerk "Well, the red one is faster, but costs quite a bit more. Personally, I don't think it's worth it. The price/performance isn't as good as the tan one."
Bart "Do you think I need that extra speed?"
Clerk "Depends on what you're getting it for. Any big dogs near your house?"
Bart "Yes."
Clerk "Well then, you'd better go ahead and get the red one. Unless you want to save money and get the tan. The tan is up-gradable to the red later. We offer our "Red Dye Overdrive Kit" for $100. Seventy percent increase in performance."
Bart "Let's go with a tan one."
Clerk "Ok. That's gonna run you $400. What more...

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates. com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastard.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored more...

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.
MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.
Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.
The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $
2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!