Bite Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big' ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked' em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. more...

' Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.' Gene Hill

' Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.' Dave Barry

' I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.' Penny Ward Moser

' Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.' Groucho Marx.

' To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.' Aldous Huxley

' A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.' Robert Benchley

' Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.' Sue Murphy

' Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?' Unknown

' I more...

One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk." The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay." The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye. The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar." The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why. The man replied, "That drunk fool bet more...

The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper.. . )

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)

CALL THE more...

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, “Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he’s got it rough, but his life is easy! ” The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, mister! I’ve seen you in here before. You’re in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living? ” The guy replies, “I make bets for a living. I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye! ” The bartender looks at him and says, “OK, you’re on. ” The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, “I didn’t know you had a glass eye. You win. ” The guy then says, “I’ll let you win your money back. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye. more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Cat Miracle Diet!

Most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for 4 days and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to more...

A woman invented this ray gun that will shut down a car instinately. No one buys it so she didn't make any money off it. So she decides to make money her own way. One day she pointed it to this car with a man in it and it shut down. The woman lets the man stay the night in the guest bedroom. when the man wakes up he finds his dick in her mouth and she holds up a sign that says give me $50 or I'll bite. The man pays up.
The woman does this over and over again, but this one day she did the same routine and she puts his dick in her mouth and waits till he wakes up. When he woke up she held up her sign that said $50 or I'll bite then the man puts up a sign saying $150 or I'll piss.