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Well it was a Sunday night, bored out of my mind like usual, so off of the suggestion of two ManRib’s in my math class I downloaded the movie She’s the Man and let me spare you two hours, now before watching the movie I had seen the previews, and it looked like the stupidest piece of shit, but even I the Ari has been fooled before. So I started the movie, the first few minutes started with Amanda Bines, from now on I will refer to as flatty, so anyway it shows how flatties soccer team is in big trouble boo hoo, now this really pissed me off, because ManRibs’s do not play soccer, they kick a ball around, so anyway flatty goes out and tries to make a Man’s soccer team, which in real life would be impossible, as ManRib’s are slower, weaker, and less of a person than us men, anyway it was a movie, so I’d let the director have her make believe fun, basically the whole time watching this predictable sack of crap, I was wondering why I was still watching it, but I always stick it more...

According to his lawyer, Saddam Hussein said he had doubled the workout on his treadmill to be in good shape before he was hanged.
A spokesman for Bally's Total Fitness in downtown Baghdad said the company would not refund the balance of Hussein's membership since it had a signed contract.







Separately, the FDA is investigating exaggerated weight-loss claims that the Bush Administration may have used in promoting their WMD Diet Plan.









"I Lost 215 Pounds in One Day!"*

-G.W. Bush, Washington, D.C.






* Results not typical. Individual results may vary. As always, you should consult a doctor before picking a fight with one of the world's superpowers.

David Wells was traded Thursday from the Boston Red Sox to the Padres, who believe the free-spirited lefty will provide the lift they need as they contend for a postseason berth.
Minutes after the trade announcement, several Boston area Dunkin Donuts flew their flags at half-staff to mourn the loss of their all time best customer.



Also mourning the Wells trade...
Every biker bar, rib joint, strip club, and asian fetish whorehouse in New England.

I hate September. It was always back to school, so I had to be ready. It was back to homework, so I had to turn off the Yankees and study. It was my sister’s birthday and I had to be..um..nice. Yuk. But just in case that wasn’t bad enough, the Jewish holidays are here!

Oy friggin’ vey.

I hate these holidays. Like four days in synagogue. In case you were wondering, the services are partially in English and partially in Hebrew, but mostly suck. If you are comforted by being in a room of people with your religious background, love a good solemn pray, or can’t get enough of a cantor, who sounds as if he has infected sinuses, chanting in Hebrew for 4 HOURS (Some people go all day! I swear God leaves after an hour and a half), I guess you’ve come to the right place.

Personally, I find the Rabbi’s sermon fascinating. You see, no matter how much sleep I get the night before, when he starts that sermon, boom, I’m out cold. Fascinating. He’s like a more...

As New Yorkers continue to await for someone, anyone to approve a final design of the World Trade Center Memorial, the Pentagon's 9/11 tribute is set for its groundbreaking on Thursday. So what exactly does this mean?
The phrase "it's like dealing with the Pentagon" will now imply a streamlined process that reaches its resolution quickly and easily.
The saying "in a New York minute" will now confer a unit of time that seems to last much, much longer than a regular minute.
Hordes of German tourists will now plan vacations to visit "The World's Largest Office Building."
Actually, New York's Memorial has been completed for some time. A reflection of the city itself, it's been dubbed "The Eternal Argument."

Fantasy Fist Fight- noun. 1. a fictional battle waged between two or more entities. these entities may be people (living, dead, or fictional), animals, deities, forces of nature, etc. 2. a game often played by adolescent males who are in dire need of female companionship.


Today's Fights:


1. Hugh Hefner Vs. Thousands of Bees (Hefner gets a pesticide gun):
One's every man's dream: rich, cool, and surrounded by beautiful women. The other's a swarm of deadly insects aiming to take him down. Has the founder of Playboy magazine finally met his match? To make things a little more even, we'll give Hef a gun that shoots a pesticide blend. It should take out about 50 bees per shot. But all the viagra and silicone in the world won't stop a tremendous swarm of killer bees (i think...). Fight ends with the bees delivering enough stings to Hefner's body that he is killed almost instantly. In his honor, his family begins the "Hugh Hefner Society to Test Bee more...

I don't know if you saw Oprah a few days ago, but the winners of the "Young People Write an Essay About the Holocaust Contest" were announced. Fifty young people from around the country were selected to appear on Oprah's show and read portions of their essays, then watch Oprah cry with a real-life Holocaust survivor. Why do I think the contest was rigged? It's because my essay was not chosen, even though I am a young person and, like Oprah, I totally believe in angels.

Luckily, I have a forum for my essay (Which my angels helped me write, by the way.) on Daily Comedy. Here it is. I think that after reading it you will agree that my holocaust essay's not being chosen is the biggest travesty in history since the holocaust.
Oprah is Better Than Hitler
An Essay by Kurt Metzger and Angels

Hi, my name is Kurt and I hate the holocaust. It was totally not cool. If I ever had the chance to meet Hitler, I would tell him that he is a jerk and his mustache did more...