Bloke Jokes / Recent Jokes

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you`ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man`s face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson`s nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, get lost!! You`ve got the wrong bloke! I don`t want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man`s face again. The following more...

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?""Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered."But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back."Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

A bloke walks into a butchers and says to the butcher "are you a betting man?"
"Yes" replied the butcher.
"Well I bet you a tenner you can't reach those pieces of meat up on that wall"
"I'm not taking that on" says the butcher
"I thought you were a betting man" says the bloke
"I am,... but the steaks are too high!"

Two Kiwi guys are working at the top of a high rise building site in New Zealand. Anyway, Phul (Phil) turns to Muck (Mick) & says "I've gotta take a puss, but there's nowhere to go."
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Muck. "I'll stand on this end and balance you."
"Are You sure Muck?"
"Yeah, no worries mate"
"100%?"
"YES!"
So out goes Phul to take a piss, but before he's finished, the lunch siren sounds. Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phul, of course, is a goner.
Several months later, an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a pub discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.
Greg the Aussie says, "Mate, I've been known to miss out on a piss-up session down the pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!"
Pierre the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We more...

Apparently true...

Why we have AQIS Australian Quarantine Inspection Service - creepy. Apparently its completely true.

This bloke and his family were on holiday in the States and went to Mexico for a week. As he is an avid cactus fan he bought a rare and expensive cactus there, it was about a metre high and cost about $500 Aus. He got it home and the customs people were none too impressed so they said it must stay in quarantine for 3 months, cost $800 or so.

He finally got his cactus home and planted it in his backyard where over time it grew to about 2 metres or so in height.

One evening after a beautiful warm spring day he was out watering his garden and thought he might give the cactus a light spray. This he did and was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another light spray and it shivered and shook again. All its arms moved. He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens.

After a few more...

Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...INSTRUCTIONSAnaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forgetsome ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top ofyour list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:* 0.5 Miss Worlds,* 2.5 supermodels,* 463 wild nymphos,* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, andtastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, youroriginal package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!! One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of hisfriends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he senther off in, with the same old migraine more...

A visit to a physiotherapist can result in more discomfort than you started out with, at least temporarily. However, a Cairns bloke reckons he's found the key to the problem.
He was told to lie on the couch while the physio manipulated his limbs. The physio urged him to sing out if he felt any pain during the procedure and he would stop.
He (the physio) told him (the patient) to turn on his side, then grabbed him firmly by the arm and started to apply pressure.
"Aaargh!" shrieked the bloke almost immediately.
"Is it hurting already?" asked the startled and somewhat concerned physio.
"Yes," gasped the grimacing patient. "I'm lying on my car keys!"