Bloke Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water."That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls. The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water."Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist."Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"

A bloke, his wife and his mother-in-law went on a two-week holiday. After a couple of days the mother-in-law went missing. They reported it to the police, and after another couple of days the local sergeant called the bloke.

"I've got bad news for you, mate," said the cop. "I've found your mother-in-law in a creek with 12 mud crabs hanging off her!"

"That's terrible," said the bloke. "What am I gonna do?"

"Well," said the cop, "how about you take six, I'll take six and we'll set her again tonight?"


Copyright Jokes for Blokes

These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, "I've shagged your Mum." The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your Mum has sucked my penis." The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar. After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts, "I've had your Mum up the arse." By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, "Look, Dad, you're pissed. Now fuck off home."

Two mates are having a chat over a beer."Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?"one bloke asks his friend."No way!" his mate replies."Well," says the first bloke,"do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?""Fuck no!" his mate replies."Well," says the first bloke,"what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"

Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now." "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away." "No I wouldn't," replied the second." "All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top." The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up. While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking. One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible." The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing."

What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.