Blood Jokes / Recent Jokes

A vampire walked into a pub and went up to the bar and asked can I have a pint of blood, mate? The barman looks at his suspiciously and then says sorry mate we do not sell blood. The vampire walks out and walks into the next pub and the same reply was given as before. He starts to get annoyed and so he walks into the pub at the end of the road and asks the barman can I have a pint of hot water please, mate? The barman looks at him and then gives him the pint of hot water. He then asks whats with the hot water? The vampire pulls out his tampon and says tea-time!!

All the parts of the body where having a meetin, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge" said the barin, "becouse I run all the body's system, and without me, nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge" said the blood,"because I circulates oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
I should be in charge,"said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
I should be in charge" said the legs," because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
I should be in charge" said the eyes,"because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge,"said the rectum, because I'm responsible for waste rectum and all the other body parts laughed at the recum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the barin had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, thelegs got more...

a vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of blood, naturally the barman tells him to get lost. an hour later another vampire walks into a bar and asks for a pint of blood, again the baraman tells him to get lost. an hour later another vampire walks into the bar, but before he can say anything the barman says "i guess you want a pint of blood" the vampire replies " no thanks a pint of warm water will do just fine" the barman then exclaims " but all the other vampires wanted blood" the vampire then pulls out a used tampon from his pocket and says "its all right, ive got a teabag"

Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Coroners refer more...

Once upon a time, three vampires met in some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.
Vampire A said, "Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants within 10 minutes!"
And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.
Vampire B then said, "Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!"
He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.
Vampire C then yelled, "Pffft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!"
He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.
Vampire A and B stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, "How come you have such speed, friend?"
Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, "Do more...

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital,
and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the Phone.
"Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; Her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said, "No, I'm more...

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.