Bloom Jokes

A group of Jewish American Tourist are in London and on their itinary is listed a visit to Blooms Kosher Restaurant in Golders Green.
After being seated at the table they are served by a Chinese Waiter, who conducts the whole conversation in Yiddish.
After the meal and just before they are about to leave, they are confronted by the owner, Mr. Bloom, who asks them if they enjoyed the meal.
The leader of the group states that they were well satisfied by the food and service, but were amazed that the waiter only spoke in yiddish.
Mr. Bloom placed the index finger of his right hand to his lips and said "Shush, he thinks he's speaking in English"!!

Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.

Punishment
Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath. Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on. They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin.
Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God."
A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn`t you do as the Rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?"
"I more...

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road,
Ludvig von Beethoven: What? Speak up.
Leopold Bloom: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. Migration maybe. Mrs Marion Bloom.
Molly Bloom: The chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont know why why do you worry about such stupid bloody things O speaking of stupid bloody things here it comes again damn it its only been three weeks I wonder is there something wrong with me yes
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
Candide: To cultivate its garden.
Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace more...

Announcements in synagogue newsletters
o Join us for our celebration after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
o Weight Watchers will meet at 8pm at the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
o Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
o For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
o We are pleased to announce the birth of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Shlomo Bloom.
o The Men’s Club is warmly invited to the celebrations hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
o Our Rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new fundraising campaign slogan last week
“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”
o If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you.
o Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be given to his secretary.
o Mrs Himmelfarb will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
o The Ladies Guild have cast off more...