Bomb Jokes / Recent Jokes

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.A engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist more...

Weird news: bomb scarePhiladelphia - Authorities who believed they had a bomb on their hands yesterday are now trying to figure out where a box of cooked crayfish originated and where it was going.
The box was found between two cars early yesterday in a parking garage near a terminal at Philadelphia International Airport. Police dog Teddy confirmed something was fishy.
Airport spokesman Mark Pesce said the package, about the size of a shoe box, was wrapped in duct tape and had no mailing address.
"It didn't look like an average traveling box," Pesce said.
After some sniffing around, investigators summoned firefighters, bomb squad members and a robot used to detonate explosives. X-rays then showed the package contained only the small crustaceans essential to Cajun cooking.
"We were hoping it was cookies," Pesce said. From The Daily Collegian

Six Bad Days
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric more...

Six Bad Days1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending more...

If you think you're having a bad day... read these true stories! 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire more...

Chapter 3: Glossary of Comedy Terms
Here is some fancy industry talk you should memorize.


I Killed: I bombed

I Died:I bombed

I Slated Them: I bombed

Rolling in the Aisles: I bombed so bad, they literally threw shit at me.

Doing Filler: I ran out of material and winged it by pretending to fuck a stool and still bombed.

Over their Heads: No one understood how clever my observations on the differences between white people and black people were and I bombed.

Doing Panel: Sitting next to Johnny Carson trying to disguise your material as chit-chat and bombing.

Gig: A non-paying job

Setup: The explaining part of a joke (should be as long as possible)

Punch: Optional

I crushed: I bombed in front of a hundred or more people

Blue Material: Talking about sex and/or your dick. (Note: Works especially well if you're a minority or from Long Island.)

Mike Too Hot: Volume so more...

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to more...