Bomb Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man (If you like, a blond) who often travels by plane calculates the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight. It's low, but not low enough, so the man always carries a bomb in his suitcase knowing that he'll be safe.
After all, the odds of two bombs on a flight are almost impossible!
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BONUS JOKE VARIATION!!!
A man went to a hunting shop and asked if he could buy one bullet. The clerk thought for a second and said, sure, why not. The man gets his bullet and takes out a pen and meticulously inscribes his name on the bullet.
The clerk, watching this says, "hey buddy, why'd you write on your bullet?"
"Well, they say there's a bullet out there with my name on it, so I figured I'd better keep track of it!"
Theres these three guys in a plane. One holding a stick, one holding a rock, and another holding a bomb. Suddenly the plane started falling and the stick, the rock, and the bomb fell out the open door. When the plane reached the ground, the three guys started walking down the street to find a hospital. On the way, they see a little boy crying. They asked what was wrong, and the boy replied 'i was looking at the clouds, and a stick came down and poked me in the eye. They walked down further and saw a girl crying. When they asked what happened she said " I was walking down the path, and a rock came down and hit my head. They walked even further and saw an old man laughing. They him why he was laughing and the man replied. When i farted, the house behind me exploded!
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my more...
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins.
An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Objective: To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA)
Education:
* B. S. (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August 1994
* M. S. (Criminal Sciences) Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and the Unlawful Activists(VPISUA), August 1996.
Thesis:
"On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatraz with minimal efforts"
Coursework:
Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object Oriented Crime Design
Work Experience:
* Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990-Aug 1991
* Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project
* Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange, strawberry and mint flavors (Patent# 007, 13, 666)
Summer Internship:
Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan Associates, Bombay, June1987-July1990
* more...
If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95" a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).
Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's more...
After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want any more children, and he asked what could the doctor do to help. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten. The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!" His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they'd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten. Deciding that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. The husband more...