Breast Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are more...

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.""And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"

The wife gets out the bathroom and says to her husband, "Honey, I think my breast are too small, maybe I should get a transplant, what do you think?"
The husband says, "No, all you have to do is take a piece of toilet tissue and rub it between your breast twice a day."
The wife says, "You think that will work?"
To which the husband replies, "Sure, it worked for your ass."

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds, "Well of course I don't, I'm his aunt!"

20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty more...

T-shirt sighting - worn by woman, caption situated exactly over her left breast - "I'm a fermata - hold me."

In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a
brunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy.
The second race was the Breast Stroke...the order of finish was:
The brunette came in first, the redhead second,... "but wait", where was
the blonde??? She was still racing!
When she got to the finish line...she said " THEY CHEATED!!"
The Judge said "how??"
The dumb blonde screamed..."THEY USED THEIR ARMS!"