California Jokes / Recent Jokes

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: Growing pot.
Now: Growing pot belly.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints, aching joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with Fidel.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed more...

* Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings...and none are visible.* You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.* Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.* You can't remember. .. is pot illegal?* You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.* A really great parking space can move you to tears.* A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.* You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise facility, and tofu takeout.* You're thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between aromatherapy and conversational Mandarin.* Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.* It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH' 99."* The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost more...

California governor Arnold Schwartzenegger has a solution to ease overcrowding in state prisons. Under the governor's plan, inmates will be trained to become whale handlers for Sea World.

GeekonicsBy John WoestendiekPhiladelphia InquirerWed., January 8, 1997NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language. The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language." This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics." No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with more...

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California With gun in lap: L.A. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male One hand more...

Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.

Thank you LAPD for saving us from another internet video of her and whoever is boring her in the sack these days.