Candidate Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at
the UPSC(IAS)Examinations. candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow
You will forget your English by the time you finish
reading this.
Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man.
But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.
His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the
milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such
attachment ]
What can it do? Various butter, cream, curd, why
and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
His motion is slow only because he is of lazy
species.Also his other motion.. [from the backyard] is much
useful to trees, plants as well as for making more...

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: the Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."
The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling*
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and more...

Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified 10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing". 8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy". 7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares. 6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut. 5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?" 4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?" 3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all. 2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!" 1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

A survey of personnel executives at large companies provided the following unbelievable but supposedly true examples of job applicant behavior.
"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."
"When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase' real neat' for her vacations."
"Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize."
"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."
"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'"
"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him more...

This is a good one...: )
-Mott

CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at
the
recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the
Indian
cow:

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is
female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same
like
God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs
together.
Two are forward and two are afterwards.
"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it
do?
Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so
forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also
his
other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat
cakes in
hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only more...

THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.
THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most more...