Carrot Jokes / Recent Jokes

a carrot lettuce and a dick were talking
the carrot said i have a terrible life they cook me or eat me raw
the lettuce said you think you have a terrible life they cut me up and put me in salads
the dick said you think you got it bad they wrap me up put me in a dark cave and make me do 100 push-ups

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and
forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police
come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get
through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday
Do's and Don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces
and cookies made with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick? I didn't think so.
Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots
on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the more...

Two women were digging in the garden. One pulls out a two foot carrot. She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's." The second woman says, "Your husbands is that long?" "No that dirty."

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and
forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police
come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get
through the holidays without gaining ten pounds. You can't pick
up a magazine without finding a list of holiday do's and don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made
with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you
left for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of more...

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.
The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"
Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"
Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst.
They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.
Amazing! so you have. How could that have happened?
I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage!

Since old Mr. Willoughby was allergic to cold medicines, his doctor advised him to drink a large glass of carrot juice after a long bath.

A week later when Mr. Willoughby returned, his doctor asked him how he had done. "Not too good," the old man replied. "After I drank the hot bath, I didn't have room for the carrot juice."