Cemetery Jokes / Recent Jokes
Actual epitaphs from real tombstones:In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, more...
Military sources today confirmed passing on the oppurtunity to kill 190 insurgents gathered in a cemetery mourning the passing of one of their fallen comrades. An unnamed general confirmed that we could have taken out the entire group with one unmanned predator missile and no risk of suffering any casualities of our own. His explanation was simply that killing an entire group in a cemetery wouldn't be nice. The time savings alone would cause Taliban grave diggers economic hardship and or unemployment. He then went on to explain that we already had troops in the area that we have invested millions of dollars in training and supplying, training and supplying that creates jobs in this country. Stating that " our boys actually prefer plinking those dirty bastards one by one ", he pointed out the benefit to our own economy to drawing out the war as long as possible. Additionally, aborting a bombing in a cemetery would spare the the difficult task of explaining just how we dropped more...
A local funeral director contacted a young preacher to hold a graveside service at a small local cemetery. Since the deceased had no family or friends, there was to be no funeral, only the committal. The young preacher started early to the cemetery, but after making several wrong turns, found himself lost.
When he finally arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating their lunch.
The pastor approached the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Do you think we better tell him it's a septic tank?"
Mulla Nasruddin walked into the office of a cemetery and complained to the manager: "I know well that my wife is buried here in your cemetery but I can't find her grave."
The manager checked in his register and asked, "What is her name?"
So Mulla said, "Mistress Mulla Nasruddin."
He looked again and he said, "There is no Mistress Mulla Nasruddin, but there is a Mulla Nasruddin." So he said, "We are sorry, it seems something has gone wrong in the register."
Nasruddin said, "Nothing is wrong. Where is the grave of Mulla Nasruddin? -- because everything is in my name." Even the grave of his wife!
Cemetery
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband!. .. Why did you die? Why did you die?"
A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.
After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.
Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"
The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
The landlord, feeling sympathetic towards the man's situation, rented the apartment to him.