Centre Jokes / Recent Jokes
After the Second Coming Jesus returns to Earth.
Within a week he is summoned to the Job Centre and told to find a job.
He is asked to state previous work experience.
He replies that he has done a bit of fishing and some carpentry.
The Clerk checks the computer and finds two job vacancies .
Job one is #200.00 a week as a Carpenter in Birmingham .
The other is as a Fishermen in Galilee at #1,000.00 a week.
The clerk asks him which job he wants to apply for.
After much thought Jesus replies the Birmingham one.
The Clerk tells him again the difference in pay.
He asks him why he doesn't want the Galilee job.
He sighs and says.
" I worked in Galilee once and was hammered with tax (tacks).
Only joking...don't get cross.
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What`s that building there?" "That`s the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build `em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What`s that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That`s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long`d it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build `em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, more...
Not to be outdone by Rakesh Sharma and Ravish Malhotra, India's first astronauts, two sturdy Punjabis applied to NASA, the American space agency, to be taken to outer space. Their application was accepted and they were asked to report at the centre in California. They were told that during their period of training they must not take any alcohol. They followed the strict regimen imposed on them for several weeks, till one day they could not resist the temptation to wet their lips. Since no strong drink was available anywhere near the centre, they drank up a canister of rocket fuel.
Next morning, the following dialogue took place between them: "This is your friend speaking. Have you been to the lavatory this morning?'' No, why do you ask such a silly question?'' If you haven't, don't try. I am speaking from Tokyo.'
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more...
"Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:"
"The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45, 000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"
Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs.
They split up so that they could learn more in the time allowed.
When they met to share their knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen.
"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs."
"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?"
"Then it begins to rain."
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "Whats that building there?" "Thats the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie."12 years? We build em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months." A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "Whats that building over there?" asked the Texan. "Thats the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How longd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us more...
There is an old story about the data centre of the future.
This data centre runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog.
The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.