Century Jokes / Recent Jokes

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime.
What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay more...

Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess... DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. JUDGE: To what? DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up. PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time. DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something. PROSECUTION: The people do not. DEFENSE: Do too. PROSECUTION: Do not. DEFENSE: Do too. DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty! JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed. PROSECUTION: Where were we? JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not." PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not. DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the more...

Denis Diderot was a French philosopher in the 18th century. He traveled Europe extensively, and on his travels also stopped at the Russian court in St. Petersburg. His wit and suave charm soon drew a large following among the younger nobles at the court - and so did his atheist philosophy. That worried empress Catherine the Great very much...
Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler was working at the Russian court at that time, and unlike Diderot, he was a devout Christian. So, the empress asked him for help in dealing with the threat posed by Diderot.
Euler had himself introduced to Diderot as a man who had found a mathematical proof for the existence of God. With a stern face the mathematician confronted the philosopher: "Monsieur, (a+bn)/n = x holds! Hence, God exists. What is your answer to that?"
Quick-witted Diderot was speechless, was laughed at by his followers, and soon returned to France.

Attila the Hun
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450
AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the
countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the
battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however,
he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a
nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next
morning.
Tycho Brahe
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac
Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to more...

The following circulated among us MEN in the Army - just goes to show that we didn’t take ourselves TOO serious:
I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country’s representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation’s defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?
Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.
In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn’t know whether to shit or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.
I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she’d be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my more...