Chanukah Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?," says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vay, my g-d, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

There's no "Donny & Arie Chanukah Special".
Eight days of presents (in theory anyway).
No need to clean the chimney.
There's no latke-nog.
Burl Ives does not sing Chanukah songs.
You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown".
No barking dog version of "I Had a Little Driedl".
No pine needles to vacuum up afterward.
Blintzes are easier to mail than fruitcakes!

There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special".
Eight days of presents
No need to clean the chimney.
There's no latke-nog.
Burl Ives doesn't sing Chanukah songs.
You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It
starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home. 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. 3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 4. more...

Just see those Dreidels turning
And candles burning all night
Why it's that Chanukah time
We (Jews) call the Festival of Light.
I'm busy buying Chachkes
And frying Latkes for you (and you and you)
Come on, there's lots of bargains
At Saks Fifth Avenue.
Bridge 1
Oy Gevalt, Oy Gevalt, Oy Gevalt, you know,
I'm sick of the snow
I'm dreaming of a warmer place to go.
Gonna shlep, gonna shlep the family
They're comin' with me.
We'll celebrate Chanukah on the beaches of Miami.
With all the colds they're catching
My friends are kvetching, "Oy Vey!"
Let's have our agent book us
And fly our tuchus away.
Bridge 2
There's a shabbas dinner at the house of Rabbi Cohen
It'll be the perfect evening in a kosher home
We'll be noshing on foods we love to eat and maybe take a snooze
Then sit on the couch and eat some more and schmuz
Schmuz, schmuz, schmuz.
Then the rabbi more...

This just in from News Service.

A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was
announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300
years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not
available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve
days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both
organizations. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the
new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords
a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be more...

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous more...