Chanukah Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Night Before Chanukah
'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels- Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah
''Yiddishe kinder,'' he cried, ''Kenahorah!''
I thought I was in a more...

'Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkas I'd taste
At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
' Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I more...

Remember, when you are out there Chanukah and Christmas
shopping, help to keep America beautiful, ,,, stop yourself
from buying ugly things!

~ No roof damage from reindeer.
~ Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones.
~ If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days
to correct it.
~ Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.
~ You can use your fireplace.
~ Naked spin-the-dreidel games.
~ Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
~ No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
~ Cheer optional.
~ No Irving Berlin songs.
~ There's no "Donny & Marie Chanukah Special."
~ Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
~ No need to clean the chimney.
~ There's no latke-nog.
~ Burl Ives doesn't sing Chanukah songs.
~ You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
~ You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
~ No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
~ No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
~ Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

There's no "Donny & Arie Chanukah Special". Eight days of presents (in theory anyway). No need to clean the chimney. There's no latke-nog. Burl Ives does not sing Chanukah songs. You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown". No barking dog version of "I Had a Little Driedl". No pine needles to vacuum up afterward. Blintzes are easier to mail than fruitcakes!

Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to
movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is
eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever
that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish
friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar
so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar,
provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish
Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel
(especially in Florida).
Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we
survived, let's eat!!
Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks,
or a the collected works of the Rambam which looks more...

10. There's no "Donny & Marie Chanukah Special."
9. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8. No need to clean the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Chanukah songs.
5. You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards. and the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better than Christmas...
1. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.